If my theory is right, then it will completely change my approach to men. It won't erase the mistakes I've made, but it will certainly make it easier to understand them. However, just like every other theory, there are exceptions. And there is always the reality factor as well. We women know how it is to be resolved to do one thing, then be swept off our feet the very next moment. There is a reason that, in English, we say we "fall" in love. What a fall it is.
So…theory. Girl meets boy. Warning signals. Boy afraid of commitment. Of course he doesn't SAY that. After all, boys aren't afraid of anything. They are the spider-killing, basement-exploring, hold-your-hand-in-the-dark conquistadors of our hearts. So he doesn’t appear to be afraid. He does the, "oh I like you" thing, Then the, "I'm not looking for anything serious" thing. And we are left to wonder what quality we lack that is stopping this guy from falling head over heels.
Even worse, you get into a relationship. The guy has convinced himself that he is ready, that you are worthy. Fantastic. It's good. Really good. You think the "L" word, he thinks, "yeah, not quite working for me. Sorry." But let's also not forget the key phrase, the clincher, what we all love to hear as he's walking away, "it's not you, it's me."
And that girl, armed only with her favorite show on DVD, a warm blanket, a bottle of wine and a pint of Ben and Jerrys will cry because all she heard was "goodbye". Then suddenly, in a fit of rage, the spoon flies out of her hand, across her room, and hits the TV screened face of McDreamy between the eyes. It wasn’t me? Really? To that I say: bite me. Bite me so hard I wake up from this nightmare with enough wits about me to kick you in the head. Not ME? But you are walking away from ME. It can't NOT be me.
But let us assume for one—undeserved—second that they aren’t being self-deprecating here. This theory ventures to say that it, indeed, is not us. It is them. You were not the problem. You didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t hate that you warmed your cold feet on him, that you snort when you laugh too hard. You didn’t, inadvertently push him away because he felt you didn’t need him, or need him so much that you smothered him. There is a slight chance that he is telling the truth.
Theoretically, guys don’t start looking for relationships, they look for women. A woman catches his interest, he wines and dines her, he enjoys the chase. At this point it either fizzles out or it continues. If it fizzles, it’s because the guy quickly realized he was not going to commit. Not because he didn’t enjoy being with her, but because he was not ready. In the case that he does allow it to develop into a relationship, he’s happy for a time, then eventually realizes that he isn’t. In both cases, you were doing everything right, he wasn’t ready.
Nothing we do can get them ready. Nothing. It’s why we see guys dating amazing girls, perfect for them. They break up out of the blue, and 12 months later he’s engaged to a woman even he cowers from. He was ready too late because unfortunately for him, his super model ex-girlfriend has now gotten herself out of bed and moved on.
I don’t sound very romantic, do I? On the contrary--I do believe in love at first sight and that some people are meant to be together. I also believe that love at first sight happens because, alone, the guy has reached the point in his life where he is ready. You feel that you were meant to be together because he was ready to meet you—the key is, he didn’t walk away.
Will my theory make it easier next time I fall? Probably not. All of us want to be the one to change him, the one he will leave his player ways for in order to commit to a life of serving you breakfast-in-bed. So we may fall, but when we do, we should probably remember that although he is a lying prick, one thing we really should give him credit for is his insight into his own immaturity. It’s not you, it’s him.
Now if we could just devise a system in which the ones who actually ARE ready wore blinking “ready and available” signs around their necks!
So…theory. Girl meets boy. Warning signals. Boy afraid of commitment. Of course he doesn't SAY that. After all, boys aren't afraid of anything. They are the spider-killing, basement-exploring, hold-your-hand-in-the-dark conquistadors of our hearts. So he doesn’t appear to be afraid. He does the, "oh I like you" thing, Then the, "I'm not looking for anything serious" thing. And we are left to wonder what quality we lack that is stopping this guy from falling head over heels.
Even worse, you get into a relationship. The guy has convinced himself that he is ready, that you are worthy. Fantastic. It's good. Really good. You think the "L" word, he thinks, "yeah, not quite working for me. Sorry." But let's also not forget the key phrase, the clincher, what we all love to hear as he's walking away, "it's not you, it's me."
And that girl, armed only with her favorite show on DVD, a warm blanket, a bottle of wine and a pint of Ben and Jerrys will cry because all she heard was "goodbye". Then suddenly, in a fit of rage, the spoon flies out of her hand, across her room, and hits the TV screened face of McDreamy between the eyes. It wasn’t me? Really? To that I say: bite me. Bite me so hard I wake up from this nightmare with enough wits about me to kick you in the head. Not ME? But you are walking away from ME. It can't NOT be me.
But let us assume for one—undeserved—second that they aren’t being self-deprecating here. This theory ventures to say that it, indeed, is not us. It is them. You were not the problem. You didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t hate that you warmed your cold feet on him, that you snort when you laugh too hard. You didn’t, inadvertently push him away because he felt you didn’t need him, or need him so much that you smothered him. There is a slight chance that he is telling the truth.
Theoretically, guys don’t start looking for relationships, they look for women. A woman catches his interest, he wines and dines her, he enjoys the chase. At this point it either fizzles out or it continues. If it fizzles, it’s because the guy quickly realized he was not going to commit. Not because he didn’t enjoy being with her, but because he was not ready. In the case that he does allow it to develop into a relationship, he’s happy for a time, then eventually realizes that he isn’t. In both cases, you were doing everything right, he wasn’t ready.
Nothing we do can get them ready. Nothing. It’s why we see guys dating amazing girls, perfect for them. They break up out of the blue, and 12 months later he’s engaged to a woman even he cowers from. He was ready too late because unfortunately for him, his super model ex-girlfriend has now gotten herself out of bed and moved on.
I don’t sound very romantic, do I? On the contrary--I do believe in love at first sight and that some people are meant to be together. I also believe that love at first sight happens because, alone, the guy has reached the point in his life where he is ready. You feel that you were meant to be together because he was ready to meet you—the key is, he didn’t walk away.
Will my theory make it easier next time I fall? Probably not. All of us want to be the one to change him, the one he will leave his player ways for in order to commit to a life of serving you breakfast-in-bed. So we may fall, but when we do, we should probably remember that although he is a lying prick, one thing we really should give him credit for is his insight into his own immaturity. It’s not you, it’s him.
Now if we could just devise a system in which the ones who actually ARE ready wore blinking “ready and available” signs around their necks!
