why i'm not a romantic

most women spend a large portion of their teens, twenties, perhaps even early thirties looking for love. even if we say we aren't. we lie. to avoid looking desperate, we form anti-men girls' clubs in which, on good days, we get dressed up and paint the town red together, and on less good days, invite eachother over for a dose of Bridget Jones and Ben and Jerry's.

for the average girl, we learn along the way the kind of guy we like, and the kind of guy we should avoid. through tears we think how easy it would be if the ones we liked weren't, so often, the ones to avoid. yet we comfort ourselves by saying that it's ok, the right one is bound to come along. consequently, we have trained ourselves to look ahead to the time we will find mr right, fall in love, perhaps get married, maybe some kids etc, etc. and so, it is through this quest for love (or denial of it), that we inevitably become romantics, living in a world where we can hope that our great love exists somewhere in the future.

i have nothing against romantics; i'm simply not one. in order to be a romantic, i would have had to follow that same path, thinking that along the way that there will be something better for me, hoping that just around the bend, the one I am meant to be with is waiting for me. and because i haven't found him, i would have to believe that the love of my life is still waiting

i was 16 when i met him. the problem with that is you're not supposed to meet the one when you're still in high school, at least not if you're me. i still had a lot of growing up to do. alone, i had to figure out who i was and where i was going and so i let him walk away.

i am not a romantic, becuase if i were i'd say that there is someone else out there for me--but the truth is, i involuntarily compare them to this guy i fell in love with when i was still in high school. and though they may compare in some ways, they will always be at an unfair disadvantage. they aren't him.

i wish i were a romantic becuase if i were, it would mean that i wouldn't have met him then and spent my entire life searching in reverse--starting with true love and wishing something bigger existed. Instead, I'd meet him today. he might even make me a mix tape.

so, no, i am not a romantic but i am holding out hope for someone to convince me otherwise.